It wasn’t meant to be

A month ago I was practically burbling over with excitement:

D was a day away from celebrating her birthday, a very exciting time for her as she’d never really recognised birthdays up until the last couple of years.

And I was shortlisted in the Brilliance in Blogging awards, something which I felt very humbled about. I don’t go by stats and traffic and blog for the enjoyment and awareness-raising. The spam and nasty comments are a downside but there’s a delete button for a reason.

Two days later, everything changed.

I wasn’t a finalist in the awards. I felt bitterly disappointed but felt I’d let everyone down who may have voted, who may read my blog, I felt I’d let down my children. T, in particular, was very proud of me and wondered what a trophy would look like, he decided it would be fingers tapping on a phone screen – bless him!

I have to admit that I cried and felt a bit sorry for myself, that I wasn’t doing it “right”, that I wasn’t in the blogging cliche that seems to exist. I felt like the chubby girl chosen last in PE, except I wasn’t chosen.

I felt sad that I wouldn’t be attending the ceremony, I hadn’t been organised enough to get a ticket to BritMums Live and it was too late.

Lovely Kate, who writes for BritMums ran a competition to give away a ticket and I decided to enter, fingers crossing.

Another day later and my world as I know it, turned upside down, back to front and inside out.

Suddenly the ceremony didn’t matter anymore, the thought that I wouldn’t be going paled into insignificance.

My mum, who’d been showing the symptoms for years, was diagnosed with kidney cancer and neither radiotherapy, chemotherapy or an operation were an option. The consultants were not prepared to perform a high-risk operation.

Focuses change when news like this reaches your family, they have to.

I definitely won’t be going anywhere far away from a hospital in the next few days.

Last week, in a dramatic u-turn, they agreed to operate on my mum, she (assuming there is a bed) has the very high-risk operation tomorrow.

There are very mixed feelings going around my head, this operation will either prolong her life or end it suddenly tomorrow, there are no guarantees with anything.

I could be doing the school run later and be hit by a bus – I sincerely hope not! – but in this situation, everyone that needs to know is aware of tomorrow. She’s spoken to and told who she wants to tell, she’s seen who she wants to see.

It will be a case of waiting and hoping.

Obviously had I been a finalist in the Brilliance in Blogging awards, I would have had a decision to make as to whether I attended – it would have been a no-brainer, I wouldn’t have.

So I’m grateful that the decision was made for me, both by the BritMums judges and Kate, her ticket went to a very deserving mummy blogger.

Next year though, I’ll be there with bells on! I just need to get through the next few days/weeks/months first.

Fingers tightly crossed.

Thank you if you voted.. Weds 22nd May 2013

…for me in the Brilliance In Blogging awards, unfortunately I’m not a BiBs finalist, but I was incredibly chuffed that my blog made the shortlists amongst such inspirational blogs.

This badge is one that will stay on the blog with pride:

It hasn’t been a great day for T and D, both tired, both needing the half term break next week.

T, in particular, was very tired and a little bit forgetful, which made him quite irritable this morning as his obsessive need for everything to be correct set in.

We soon got him smiling on the school run though, there’s a new app called Bobo Explores Light which they are both fascinated by. Explains about how light is so important with the help of cute little robot, very informative and interactive.

Two exhausted children at the end of the school day and D shot upstairs to wail as soon as we got back, drained by her day with “those annoying boys”. Half term can’t come too quickly.

T took himself out to self-regulate on the trampoline whilst D calmed down, it feels like life is a constant risk assessment process at times.

T is excited about his school day tomorrow though, it’s a celebration day as his school got Outstanding grades in their recent Ofsted report. There will be a circus tent in the grounds apparently.

All calmer tonight and D is settling, singing Joseph songs to herself, T happily reading his football magazine.

One day closer to the much-needed half term break, I hope everyone’s had a good one, comments/RTs/shares as ever welcomed, thanks for reading Jx 😘

@AutismMumma Needs You!

I’m not used to this blatant self-promotion but….it has to be done!

Regular readers of the blog may be aware that I’ve been shortlisted in the Commentary section of the Brilliance in Blogging awards. Something which I’m still very humbled and amazed about.

But..to proceed further (and I have surprised myself with how much I would really like to) I need votes here (category 17)..

What can I tell you about me and my blog?

Well, I started blogging regularly in March 2012, having discovered that it was both therapeutic for me and beneficial for others to read. In October last year, the blog also became a website. The main reason is that autism is an invisible disability, looks are deceiving, the camera DOES lie.

I’ve blogged through the realisation that a second child of ours might be on the spectrum and his subsequent diagnosis; feeling let down by the professionals and many proud and sad moments.

I’ve been troll-ed, I’ve been bullied, I’ve kept going. I’ve been asked to write articles for other online publications and I’ve been honoured and enjoyed it.

The principle I stick to is to be honest, both to myself and the people who read it and to enjoy it.

I can’t really say much more, other than I blog not only for autism awareness but acceptance. Looking at my children’s faces, I know I’m trying my best.

The closing date for votes is this Sunday, 12th May, please cast me a vote (here) if you are able. All it takes is a name and email address and I’ll really appreciate it.

Thank you for reading this shameless plug! Jx

#MagicMoments – The BiBs and what it means to be shortlisted

It’s Monday again and I’m linking up with Jaime at oliversmadhouse for #MagicMoments.

It’s a self-indulgent one this week, with some humour. I need it after the last week…believe me!

My autism blog – which I know is an acquired taste, people are either interested or not – is shortlisted in the Commentary section of the “Brilliance In Blogging” awards, organised by BritMums!

I’m amazed and didn’t believe it at first. Lovely Karen aka @cherriemayhem tweeted and mentioned it. Then, because initially it was listed as Autism Mamma not Mumma, I decided it wasn’t me but decided I needed confirmation, so I DM-d BritMums and asked them. Feeling like a t*t for asking, feeling very insecure and wondering why I’d assumed it was me in the first place.

Whilst waiting for a reply, I was googling to see if there was an Autism Mamma blog, there didn’t seem to be but I still wasn’t convinced.

Guess what, it was definitely me and I received an email the next day:

“The BritMums team are very excited to let you know you’ve been shortlisted for a BiB. Well done!

The shortlist is made up of 16 blogs, 11 represent the top nominated blogs and another 5 chosen by the BritMums team for their excellence in each area.”

Like I said before, the blog is an acquired taste and will only really appeal to those either living with autism or wanting to know more about it, I’m not under any illusions about that.

The shortlist news came the evening before we received confirmation that our son is also on the autistic spectrum, albeit at the other end to our daughter. The diagnosis was expected but it was quicker than anticipated and still an element of shock and sadness. Not for our son, he’s an amazing, intelligent, mature ten year old who also happens to be a high functioning autistic, but for the way he may now be perceived.

This appointment was followed two days later by blood tests and an X-ray for our daughter, as part of ongoing hospital investigations.

It’s been an incredible Rollercoaster week, one that I honestly hope we don’t repeat soon, but here I am, at the start of the next week, still blogging, still trying to get awareness out there. For everyone, not just my two lovely children.

You really wouldn’t know from these pictures, would you?

They bring so much happiness and pride into our lives, but so much concern for their futures.

A cheeky plug for the BiBs now, the “Commentary” category is number 17, please consider voting and helping me get to the next stage, it would mean so much to both me and help raise awareness of a life-long disability that can’t be seen. Please click here for the link.

Looking forward to reading everyone else’s posts, thanks for taking the time to read mine Jx 😘