Me and my girl and boy, raising awareness and acceptance of autism

Posts tagged ‘diary post’

Would like to start the day again please Weds 13.03.2013

I would, I really really would. But of course, that’s not possible. I hate seeing D so upset, so anxious, so worked up that she initially can’t say what’s wrong.

Days like this that I wish she didn’t have autism. What’s that saying? “My child has autism, but autism doesn’t have them” or something like that. I’d disagree today. Thanks to an unfortunate incident at school, autism took control today and didn’t let up.

Days like this, I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to sound like I’m moaning. Comments tell me if I am – they do – they mostly go to spam, but they tell me to stop whining. I wonder if they live with autism, or know someone who does, or whether they just feel like having a go at someone. *delete, delete, delete*.

Days like this, I do blog because I know it helps parents/carers/individuals on the spectrum to know that someone, somewhere is not having the best of days too, that they’re not alone. That’s the important thing, that’s why I blog.

Our day, where to start?

D had anxieties before we left the house this morning, she didn’t want to go to school, she didn’t want to “exist”. She accepted a bear hug but didn’t acknowledge my telling her that we’d all miss her if she didn’t exist. I don’t know where this comes from, I presume it’s pre-teen angst, coupled with annoyance at her brother, mixed up with autism.

We eventually got to D’s school, only to find the doors locked, a student was having a meltdown in reception. This is to be expected, it’s a special needs school but, the school don’t put any notices outside or have a staff member standing by, directing visitors and students elsewhere. The other entrance was unmanned and locked too. D, by now, unable to cope with the change was bolting. Back to door number one, where suddenly a head appearing shouting to go to the other door.

Eventually we got in, D by now very anxious, not wanting to be there at all.
She refused to go into the classroom too and an unempathetic TA thought she was just being difficult, until I explained about the doors, about the bolting and anxiety. The phrase “don’t judge a book by its cover” sprung to mind. She was persuaded in and I left, feeling sad for my girl, really hoping she’d have a good day.

(This is where I feel let down by the school, it just needs a little bit of thought. There are windows all around reception, a notice could be easily made and kept under a window, ready to be put up. It doesn’t create a very good first impression, it says chaos. I did notice one of the governors in the car park, I doubt he got in terribly easily either.)

She didn’t have a good day. I went into the classroom – normally D rushes at me enthusiastically and body-slams me – and there was my D, wailing whilst sitting on the floor. She’d been upset by another child whilst in the playground, amongst other things.

Her very-sensitive/anxious moods have continued at home. I always mention to T if D has had a bad day and ask him to make allowances for her, he hasn’t today. In no particular order, there have been squabbles, shouting, tears, threats to leave home and much-needed bear hugs.

This has literally lasted all this afternoon, through meal time, evening routine and settling (or lack of it) time. Thank goodness for melatonin, otherwise she’d still be awake and anxious now.

So, I know this has not been a positive blog and I do like to end positively. I’ll find my “Charlie Brown” picture and end by saying despite today, I wouldn’t be without them; my individual, wonderful children. I am blessed, I am grateful that I was chosen to be their Mumma but I would like a better day tomorrow.

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That last picture is for anyone who also hasn’t had the best of days.

Thanks for reading, comments/RTs/shares as ever welcomed Jx 😘